Surprisingly, today was a better day. Today, I chose to try and be productive with looking after myself. I think I was quite successful.

I woke up feeling agitated and exhausted, but it was a controlled restlessness. The fact I was awake before midday was enough for me to cut myself some slack.

I’ve been lacking in the “doing normal things normal people do to take care of themselves” department. I think a lot of you will relate if you’ve experienced the deepest depths of depression. Sometimes I stop to think that actually, I’m not a normal person, and I never will be. EUPD, severe depression, grieving my mum and countless physical health conditions sort of take me out of the normal bracket, I guess.

You know you’re getting quite bad when you sit and wonder when the last time you showered was. A basic human function that takes nearly no effort when you have the effort. But people like us wake up with 10 spoons of energy, and even getting ourselves out of bed some days takes up the entire 10. It’s quite a low point to realise you’re neglecting yourself, but nothing to feel ashamed of. I can almost guarantee every human to walk this earth has felt it at some point.

But today I treated myself to a bath. Not just any bath though. A steaming hot bath with a beautiful bathbomb, hot cup of coffee and music blaring so loud you allow yourself to be free of any distressing thoughts. I sang my heart out, even had the motivation to shave my legs for the first time in months. I dried my hair, and decided today would be a good day to break the 5 day streak of being house bound. I went for a walk with my friends, had a cheeky swing in the park and got myself some snacks on the way home. I did a load of washing, dried it and changed my bed before getting into it. That was something I’ve been meaning to do for longer than I’d like to admit.

For the first time in days I’ve had the focus to sit and watch a TV show I’d been binging. 2 episodes I’d managed to hold concentration for. I’m laying in my fresh bedding now, with my legs all smooth and still smelling the bathbomb. I am absolutely shattered, but I feel extremely accomplished.

Sometimes in life you just need to remind yourself it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to be sad, and sometimes you just need to sit in that sadness and wallow in it. Life is tough sometimes. On the days you need to wallow, all I ask is that you keep yourself hydrated and try your best to keep yourself safe. On the days you feel like you might have that slight push of energy, take advantage of it while you can. Treat yourself to that bath with your favourite bubble bath, treat yourself to a hot drink, treat yourself with a bit of fresh air if you can bare it. Cut yourself some slack, and treat yourself. The days with that push of energy may be far and few between, but that treat will be even sweeter when you finally allow yourself to have it.

I’m proud of myself for today. But I also know I’m going to have minus levels of energy tomorrow, and do you know what? That’s okay. Because today was a better day, and the complete lack of energy tomorrow will feel completely worth it.

I’m proud of you whoever is reading this. Be kind to yourself, and treat yourself to that self care when you have that boost of energy. You bloody deserve it.

Take care,

Beth xo