Today has been a weird day. I can’t verbalise how I’ve been feeling, but it’s all been very overwhelming.

Trigger warning

I guess my mental health means sometimes I feel everything at once times a million and I have my thoughts running through my head a million miles an hour. I was having a goodish day until my friend’s mum well and truly pissed me off by overstepping the mark and attempting to involve herself in my problems. If I wanted your input hun, I’d ask for it. I had to leave the situation and absolutely seethe in the bathroom. I had the biggest urge to self harm or hurt myself in some way. As someone who hasn’t self harmed in 3 years, this was weird and extremely hard to not give in to. Those thoughts are becoming more regular, though. I don’t really know how to process them right now, I just know I shouldn’t do it because in the long run I get nothing but scars out of it.

Like I said my thoughts are racing right now. My friend said my thought pattern is like a cycle at the moment. I currently have too much going on in my head to try and figure out what that cycle is.

I have a song playing over and over and over in my head. Does anyone else get this? It’s loud, it blocks out a lot of the world and I can’t really understand what anyone is saying to me because I’m focussing on the song. It’s Stubborn Beast for anyone who cares (and for future Beth). It’s not the entire song, just a few lines. It’s a nice song, but it gets really annoying. Like I said I can’t really put my thoughts together. The song is taking up a lot of my brain.

I haven’t left the house since Tuesday. In my defense I did kick start my career by smashing an interview and having a job set up for September when I qualify. It really tired me out. I’m sleeping so much but still waking up absolutely shattered. And no, it’s not because I’m over tired. I just have so many thoughts all the time, even when I sleep. I’ve been having really bad nightmares recently so I feel like crap when I wake up. Oh by the way, I still haven’t felt excited about the job. I’ve worked my butt off since I was 12 to get this job and the only thing I feel is a forced happiness. I want to be excited about it with my mum, but I obviously can’t if she’s not alive. I just need a hug from her.

I’m so exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Like a succubus has been standing over me all day everyday for the last year of my life. I want to wake up feeling okay one of these days but I know that’s completely out of the question.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just tired and I have so many thoughts that I wish would go away. And that song can go away too. It’s too much for my brain, I can’t handle it all. I can’t tell if I’m sad or angry or anything. I just feel completely overwhelmed and I wasn’t to shut everything off.

I’m not making much sense so I’ll stop typing now. I just needed a rant.

Take care,

Beth xo