So it’s been well over a year since I’ve posted anything on here. I’ve got drafts after drafts that I’ve started and not had time to finish, or generally just lacked any form of motivation to look back at. This post is going to be all over the place, and I would apologise to anyone reading, but I’m using this site as a way to vent.

It has been a crazy year, and quite frankly the most soul crushing and traumatic year I’ll ever have to experience. In that respect, I’m talking about the fact that I won’t ever have to watch my parent slowly pass away ever again.

July 2019 my mum passed away. Nearly 8 months ago. Part of me can’t believe it’s been so long, but at the same time these 8 months have lasted what feels like an eternity. See, the thing about losing someone you love is that you expect the grief to swallow you whole all at once. But the reality is days, weeks even, of feeling absolutely numb to your core. And every now and again the grief does what you expect and completely consumes you with every emotion you wish you could feel when you’re numb, but you try so hard to push them all away when the numbness goes.

Everyone feels their grief in their own, unique way. But mine has come in waves, almost like recurrent tsunami’s of pure anger, despair, intrusive thoughts and a sadness words could never describe. I feel angry about what happened to mum. I feel angry that the people I expected to support me in the time I needed them most went completely AWOL and disappeared from the face of the earth. I hate people who have mum’s. I hate people who don’t have mum’s and try to compare their grief to mine. I hate everyone and everything, and the bubble of anger in my stomach somehow leaked into every inch of my body.

I had never really been an angry person before doctors, professionals, friends and family repeatedly let me down. I had no choice but to grow a backbone to support myself and try my best to get mum the best care possible. And growing that backbone meant culling all the negatives out of my life. At the time it almost felt like a weight had been lifted. Why would I want these people in my life anyway? But in hindsight I realise that meant experiencing a sense of loss for those people when I already had a lot on my plate. I miss one or 2 of them so much and it hurts my heart knowing things should have been different, but at the time I had no choice but to cut them out of my life.

I’d say I’ve become such a strong, independent woman (sorry not sorry), because of what I’ve been through. I don’t think I give myself enough credit sometimes for even partially functioning in life. However being strong and independent in my case is from the complete lack of trust and faith that I have in humanity.

This is probably the most self pitying thing I’ll ever post on the internet (don’t speak too soon Beth). But right now I feel it is completely warrented. I think I’m trying to express how I’m feeling here because everything is getting a bit much to deal with at the moment. I guess what I’m trying to say is I should probably see grief counsellor but that means using energy I can’t currently conjure up from inside me.

I’m going to leave it here for now. Thanks for being my bud if you’ve stuck out for this rant.

Take care,

Beth xo